Relocation: How To Make A Move
Less Traumatic On Children
Moving from one house
to another is seldom easy and never fun for anyone, and if the parents
fail to plan carefully, a move can be needlessly traumatic for the
children. If, on the other hand, parents deal with their children’s
concerns and needs thoughtfully, much of that distress and discomfort
can be avoided.
Children see moves differently than their parents do, and they benefit
much less from that change in their lifestyles, or so it seems at the
time. Most often, a change in houses or communities heralds an important
step forward for the adult members of the family.
The family moves because Daddy or Mommy has a great new job or a
promotion in reward for years of hard work. They move because financial
success has allowed the purchase of a bigger and nicer house in a more
costly neighborhood. They move because they can finally afford private
bedrooms for each child and perhaps a pool in the back yard.
In the 1990’s, mobile and hard striving people typically live in a house
for about four years and then move on as their careers or fortunes
allow. That short time span is only a small percentage of the
life-to-date for a 30- or 40-year-old, and it includes almost all the
years he or she can remember.
To a parent, this house may be only the place they have lived recently.
They think of it as a way station on the road of life. To kids, however,
it may be the only home they have ever really known. This is their
house, the place they feel safe and comfortable and thoroughly at home.
A house is much more than a roof and walls to a child. It is the center
of his or her world. A move threatens to take that sphere away and leave
something totally strange in its place. The familiar friends, schools,
shops and theaters, the streets, trees and parks - all will no longer
exist for them. Everything soon will be strange; they will live in
someone else’s world.
The impact of a move on a typical child starts about the time he or she
first hears that Daddy has accepted a promotion, and often continues for
about a year, until the new house becomes home, and memories of the
previous place fade.
It’s not usually necessary to announce this big change to children
immediately, although they must hear about it from you before someone
else breaks the news. Most teenagers see themselves as adult members of
the family, and will probably feel they have been left out if they don’t
hear everything from the first day, but it is probably not a good idea
to tell toddlers and preschoolers until they have to know. There is no
point in making them worry far in advance.
SENSITIVITY, PLANNING EASE TRAUMA OF MOVING.
Be sure to announce the move in a totally positive way. You might say
how proud you are that Daddy’s company has chosen him out of many other
employees to manage a new office in Cleveland. Talk about what a
beautiful city Cleveland is, how good the schools are and how nice the
people are.
Tell truthful but very positive stories about how nice the new house
will be, with particular emphasis on those features that will be most
important to your children.
If the new home is too far away to allow a visit by the entire family
after it has been selected, show the children pictures of it from every
angle. Videotape it, if you can. Emphasize the positive views and be
sure to include pictures of each child’s new room. Try to name the house
with some romantic description like “Oak Hill” for the big trees and the
sloping lawn.
Sugar coating will help, but since children can quickly see the negative
sides of most situations, every parent must plan to deal with their
children’s worries, fears and sorrows. The children will lose friends
they may have known all their lives. They will leave behind their sports
teams, their clubs and the dancing teachers. They will have to start
over in a new place, making friends, becoming accepted and fitting into
different groups.
Younger children need protection from fear of the unknown. Listen
carefully to their concerns, and respond quickly to allay their
apprehensions. It would be normal, for instance, for a young child to
worry that his or her toy box and shelf of stuffed animals might be left
behind. Find those anxieties and correct them.
Probably the best tactic is to get the children actively involved in the
whole process. Don’t just promise to let them decorate their own rooms,
for example. Take them to the paint store and let them bring home color
swatches. Shop for bed spreads and towels and carpets.
They must leave old friends behind, so find ways to make that parting
almost pleasant. Plan a going-away party and let them invite their own
guests. Take pictures of overdone and make a photo album. If a child is
old enough, send him or her out with a roll of film in the camera and
the assignment to photograph the views they will want to remember.
Some relationships will be extremely difficult to break, and these will
demand careful, thoughtful, personalized planning by both parents. How,
for instance, do you move a 17-year-old 1,000 miles from her steady
boyfriend?
Expect that your children may be even more distressed after the move
than they were before it. The new house will not be beautiful the night
after the moving van leaves, or for months after. The furniture won’t
fit the rooms. The curtains won’t be up, and every spot on the floor
will be covered with half-unpacked cartons. The children won’t know
anyone at school and, if you move during the summer, they may have
little opportunity to meet anyone their age.
You may be faced with many more problems in your new community than they
will, but remember that you can handle them more easily than they can.
They will need your help, and you should plan to give them the support
they need.
After the move, give each of them a long distance telephone call
allowance so they can keep in touch with the people back home who matter
the most to them. Buy a stack of picture postcards that show positive
views of your new community, and encourage them to write good news
messages to the friends and relatives they left behind.
Make sure the children don’t vegetate in front of the television. Get
them outside, where neighbors pass by. Teach them to meet people and
make friends.
Encourage them to participate in as many school activities as they can
handle. Get them on sports teams and into clubs. And remind them that
their job is also to make grown-up friends for you, too. Tell them that
every kid they bring home has parents who just might like to invite you
to play golf on Saturday mornings or go on a fishing trip Sunday
afternoon.
If they -- and your -- aren’t making new friends fast enough, throw a
welcome-the-neighborhood party for yourselves and invite all the adults
and children on the block.
If serious emotional or attitudinal problems arise, however, help is
usually available and probably should be sought. Ask a teacher for help.
Consider professional counseling. Don’t let a serious problem slide. It
can get worse.
Remember that the newness will wear off. New friends will become old
friends and best friends. This new house may become the family homestead
the grandchildren will visit every holiday season. There will be
discomforts, but in the end, everything will work out fine.
